My Yoga Journal Experience

Check out your girl in sept's issue of Yoga Journal. Celebrating vivacious curves! And pardon this lengthy post, but lots of things moving through.... EEeee!!

This is exciting and I am very grateful, however, big stuff came up for me when I saw these photos. Here is an uncomfortable place in my heart that I now see as part of my wholeness that I would like to share w you …. When we doing this photo shoot, I was celebrating. I felt SO grounded, beautiful, and turned on by life. I was sure these pics would reflect this.

When I received the magazine a couple of days ago and opened it with anticipation EVERYTHING about me deflated in the moment upon looking at these photos. I blinked my eyes several times to see if what I was seeing was 'real' because I felt this alarming shock of disapproval jolt through me. I felt like my whole body was stung by a bee. My face looks so SO chubby in the larger photo and I immediately felt embarrassed and shameful. I felt like I wasn't even really looking at me.

In the heart sunken effort to find some sort of self-acceptance, I kept asking myself ‘What would it feel like to love me for all of ME, right now~ even the part of me that is photographed in a international magazine w a massive double chin??' As I stirred some deep breaths into the emotions I was feeling and the edge smoothed itself out many things surfaced and though this is nothing new, the significance of it became much clearer … This path of self love/acceptance is continual and on-going. I don’t want my love for self to be conditional ~ based on whether or not I look good. That is too wobbly and unsustainable. This experience magnified that I am open and WILLING to receive ALL of me, EVERY BIT in this now moment and I truly must if I want to live as a courageous and vivacious woman. Damn, that is a stinger and I again~ rise for it.

Please note that point of this post isn’t to get people to tell me that I am beautiful. As I learn to unfold my wings I am exploring all of the places that want to hold me back and keep me small. By me sharing my experience it helps to bring more light to these voices that have indeed kept me small. When I do this I feel incredible shifts happen w/in me. So, thank you THANK YOU for holding this space for me in this unfurling process.